i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
