I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
