Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Bring me that man meat
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
