pop tarts are not kleenex
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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