I have demons in me.
She said her name was "party"
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
