sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
