Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize