Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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