Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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