Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize