It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
what day is it and did you see me today?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
