Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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