Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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