I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
