omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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