I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
