No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
