im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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