I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
