This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
