I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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