you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize