So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize