Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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