mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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