Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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