$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
