fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's rum buckets o'clock
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
