I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I love you. Go after that dick
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize