Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
