I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
