I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
