I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
