Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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