If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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