I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
