the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
