idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
