I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
