Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
