so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
