I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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