I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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