apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The Olympian is in my bed
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
