You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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