literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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