Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize