there's paper in my vomit.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize