I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
