Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
