I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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