I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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