so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
