totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
