She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
