Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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