my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
