going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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