I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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