I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
