i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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