ya dads aren't the best wingmen
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
