I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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