Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize