Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
