It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
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