just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
