i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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