You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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