if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize